I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
