my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
