I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
