I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
