No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
