No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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