I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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