You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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