my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
