I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
worst night to have a conscience
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
