He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
