Don't make out with my wife yet
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
