that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
