worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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