I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
did i just pee glitter
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
