There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
