I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
