So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
