To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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