its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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