According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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