4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
