I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
