Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
