When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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