This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus