I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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