I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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