currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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