Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
