I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
