You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.