Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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