I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing