swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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