god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
