Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
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