dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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