Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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