So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
