Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
