I puked a lego.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
