i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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