oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Randomize
