If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
