I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
