Umm I'm too high to move.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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