I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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