He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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