I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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