Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..