when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.