I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.