Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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