Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
