I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
