and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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