I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
