just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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