Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
