my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
